This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. Hold your head up and be strong. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. My question is this, Someone that is continually making the same poor decisions, will they come out of the FOG?? The worst was when I called at some point and one of the secretaries told me that they had gone to lunch. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. I had to put my kids first and coukd not just give up and roll into a ball. But you man up and be real. A few weeks later we talk with our coach again, and when asked how things are going I reply They seem to be getting alittle better (or so I thought). When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. I told him to leave. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . Thats the only time it felt like maybe he was seeing things clearly, and then that quickly went away. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. Best to you. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. Unfortunately I was. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. Sad to say. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. Just a thought. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. I feel like I am beginning to hate him, so I am SURE he is continuing to see me negatively. You can let yourself get angry when he lies or you can accept he is ALWAYS going to lie and move on. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. No is an answer. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. He fantasized about escape. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. I regret getting married to him. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. He was getting out. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. He is just too cowardly to say it. I continued the pattern of our life like everything was okay. But I was being calm and level headed. I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. He comes to see the baby and not you AND the baby. Its like him proving a point that were not a couple. And then the behavior escalated and he was walking out the door. K. There is nothing you can do. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. While your husband may want a divorce, that doesnt mean you do and it doesnt mean you have to just give it to him. we are seeing a councillor. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. Youre absolutely right. You need to get strong in your marriage by having self confidence and the willingness to change. How jaded this makes us. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. Free therapy advice that could save your sanity. Nothing changed. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. I want to be me. I am moving on and focusing on my self. I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. He didnt know what he wanted. Ouch! I would know more and more certainly if I had only investigated first, instead of trusting her. Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. I thought we reconciled. I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. Ive been working in the office for a new site launch at work and it feels good to be with people, but everyday around 1-2pm I would get VERY emotional. I dont know..well see how it goes. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. Doug: What you were saying about being intimate and going out and having fun and doing all that stuff, I do think cumulatively, that had an effect. You are in a tough bind. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. Around 9:15 he sent me a text saying be home before 10. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. We laugh, we talk about normal things. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. But if I say that he says WE DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. Mid life crisis? You might want to have that talk with him and explain with the situation the way it is she may begin to think its normal to be miserable because one parent is conflicted and cannot seem to grow up Just dont put your life on hold for him anymore You are better than that and so is your daughter! Thank you so much for your response. He realized he had everything he wanted and needed and it was right in front of him his whole life. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. Think of it this way. And now im of course TERRIFIED he is going to run off to OW. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. The minute he walks out and when he will be back becomes uncertain, thats when my insides feel like theyre falling and I want to just curl up in a ball. That is your reward. A doctor will be able to assess if you are a candidate for 1. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. That was NOT a good time his whore actually was going to come to our house I said bring your retarded ni**er whore ass to my house I was waiting with my sons pitbull and I told her my husband and I that we were waiting with a pit bull (she was scared to death of ) for her she NEVER has shown her face she left state as I did inform her legally if I saw her face I would have her arrested she left NY and went to Houma La never to be heard from again. Some spouses (women included) do not grow up and mature after they have children. He said now he know i wasnt love. If you want her be a man, own it and move out. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. I wish I could stick to it. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get over. You will never regret standing up for yourself. I have been in your shoes. He took advantage one time too many. You have to make a choice. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. Linda: In all honesty, I think most of the time, youre not sure if the person has left the affair yet, so youre acting a certain waybut you dont even know if its effective because they just become more secretive and theyre lying more. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. I AGAIN accused him of talking to OW, he swore he isnt, hasnt, doesnt want to. Do that a few times and see what happens. I sure hope he comes around. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. Hold your head up and be the best mom and person you can be. I feel like an annoyance. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. Who is this alien life form that has taken over my sweet loving husband who wanted nothing more than to be with me? He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. She is such a good person he would say to me. You can only change how you react to him. He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. This sadness is TOO much. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! Im not stopping you or controlling you. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. I said I know youre still talking to her and I cant do it anymore. I walked away, he followed me and said I was wrong but I shut the bathroom door and got in the shower and then I told him I needed a breather and i went for a drive. Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. Keep in mind all this time, the OW is STILL reporting to him at work. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. With all my might!! And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. That is how far our dynamics have changed. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. I do not actually feel like cheating. Probably my fault, I led him on somehow. I certainly included that in there, as well. You need to know WHO is leaving the house, you need to have a plan on some custody and visitation schedules, etc. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). Im not saying he is cheating now. The fog was so thick. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. It almost felt like there were no problems leaving the PA. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. Especially when it used to be ALL he cared about. Im TERRIFIED he is lying to me and is going to go somewhere to see her. I dont even know what to DOOOOOO at this point. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. I loved him but I could no longer live with his infidelity (having been told in one day that he wanted a D, didnt want a D and wanted to be with me while dumping the OW and trying to cover it all up so I would have no idea).
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