But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. There are no innocent victims. Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. ' Avoid teams at all cost. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. 7. Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues, not to get them and certainly not to sing or play them. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing. They dont want to hear from you. The FCC, an appointed body, not elected, answerable only to the president, decided on its own that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the first amendment to the Constitution. A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality and its not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street. George Carlin, 68. Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.". Not me. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Fairly simple thing. "Do you believe in God?" So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. That's my motto. A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. ""Deep Throat: Think about it. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. Its never going to get any better. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. It creates a hostile work environment." When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. You caused the problem. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference between left and right of center originated in the French parliament. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." 50 The Alchemist Quotes To Make You Follow Your Dreams, 195 Best Cobra Kai Quotes (Seasons 1 5), 70 Attack On Titan Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness, 37 The Lion King Quotes Filled With Powerful Life Lessons, Your email address will not be published. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in ". You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? There's such balance in nature. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. And a boring game. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". But it can't happen, "I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. They'd look up in the sky and see "the person in the moon". If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. Now, man"You up for the game?" Its like watching flies fuck! One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. Call me! When a business man sits down to negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him outta his money. That is a true oxymoron if Ive ever heard one: Civil War. Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeorge's websitehttps://georgecarlin.com/Social Media:\rInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelaughplanetofficial/\rYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiI_jyH_0yttWG-m5fBYGmA\rTwitter: https://twitter.com/laugh_planet\rWebsite: http://thelaughplanet.comContact us: ash98jha@gmai.com #GeorgeCarlin #Government #America #Comedy #LaughPlanet And he's gotta do it with a big. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: "The public sucks. ""This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. You never see a memo that says 9:01. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. It's true! In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. Go look for consistency in religion. You realize that most of the right-to-lifers are in favor of the DEATH penalty? Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. It's called "fucking with people! Like the public. If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. We're all fucked. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up. George Carlin, 64. But once youre born, youre on your own. Why did they decide that? It's ridiculous! Fewer Texans. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. OK? That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! People who have large gums and small teeth. You don't need ten. You know how we got it? The planet is fine. Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. And that's the problem. Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. 'Cause chickens are decent people. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. George Carlin- The official home of one of the most important and influential American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author. Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? Because you have the illusion of choice! That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. You see all, sooner or later. Here's what you do: First of all, you don't get all scared and do whatever he tells you. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. These people call themselves "right to lifers." This is what our system produces, folks. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! They own all the important land. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the . (206), There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting, I'm sick of hearing about a baby being kept alive on a resuscitator while doctors wait for a kidney to be flown in on a private jet contributed by some corporation seeking good publicity because they just killed six thousand people in Pakistan with a chemical spill. Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Seth Meyers White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, Dan Quayle Funny Quotes and Misstatements, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France, Bidenisms: Funniest Joe Biden Quotes and Gaffes, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. That's what you do. Doesn't happen 'cause chickens are decent people. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one . Some of these one-liners included: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. It is a coincidence. Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. They're privileges. Nature is in here. You ever watch golf on television? You dont. ""The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. This is the best we can do folks. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. - George Carlin. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. It's interested in it's own power. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes. I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! Everything He ever makes dies., 9. Thats three million plus acres, four thousand, eight hundred and twenty square miles. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice.
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